Here are a few phrases and questions we have learned to communicate to one another that might be helpful to you in your relationships or marriage when dealing with anger (potentially very helpful if you are married to an enneagram 9):

1. “Is [fill in the blank] really what you are upset about, or is it someting else?” Sometimes we think we’re upset about one thing, when it’s really someting else (or many something elses).

2. Brett and I think it’s important to recognize we can’t read each other’s minds—can anyone? So sometimes we just have to get direct, “Are you frustrated? What about?”